Butterflies in my stomach?

It is eight o’clock in a warm evening. With lively eyes and an enigmatic smile, he is approaching. Who is he? What he wants? Calm down! While my curiosity is speaking, I unintentionally hit my head. My thoughts fly away. My coolness is gone, clumsiness, weird behaviour. What is happening? Frankly, I do not care, it is good.


I felt like this just once before in my life. I was fifteen and I met my initial romance. As everyone around was obsessed with the love talk and relationship status, I was sure this is it. One can only imagine my enthusiasm to spent time with him. We talked, we laughed, I could not wait. This story is lacking details, though. Honestly, I do not know what happened. Maybe I was too naive to admit I was wrong, maybe he was too proud to explain. One thing was certain, he was not my first love. Yet, I was in love.

Since then I failed to feel this random growing excitement, no matter who I dated, who I slept with, who I loved. Yes, I loved. Who needs butterflies when there are drama and lust to keep you entertained? I had a long relationship based on emotions and passion rather than friendship and respect. One day I was convinced we would live happily ever after. Next day I knew he was not the guy for me. It was toxic, still pleasing experience. 

I moved to London. I have always wanted to be in this city. Young, busy and captivated, I was living a fairytale. Until everything became familiar. At the beginning I cherished the city, but as the time was passing, I got comfortable, static and lost my stimulation. It was over, like every relationship I thought, but I was wrong.

London gave me freedom — time to overcome the monotony and fall for it again with all of its faults. No explanations, no hard feelings, however, also no sign of the fluky joy. I left romance behind and refused to play the game of lies and overreacting. It wasn’t worth it to pretend I have sentiment when I simply got wet. From the pouring rain. Expected rain. Boring rain.

Change was needed. Surprisingly patient, I was waiting for the right moment to come and here I am 15 thousand miles away. Sydney is my latest affair. Both thirsty for adventures, we have same taste in food, men and holidays. Fascinating place. I cannot ask for more. 

It is eight o’clock in a warm evening.  I am going out to find a place to smoke. I am entirely enchanted by the unpretentious new atmosphere when it comes. Classic sign of a sudden relish. Unpredictable. Unknown. Unbelievable. My heartbeat quickens. He comes closer. Butterflies and exhilaration:


It is not love, but I am in love…


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